My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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