just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
