the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
