My hair reeks of homosexuality.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
