yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
