Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
