I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
There's even glitter on my cock...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
