Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You made out with two different species that night
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
