Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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