How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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