Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
