apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
