what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
