He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
