I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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