Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
