I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
