i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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