I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
