i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
