new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
