singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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