I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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