i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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