i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Randomize