Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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