That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
