oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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