He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
