I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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