I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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