there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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