Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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