Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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