Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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