Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
