You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
