I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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