So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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