I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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