She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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