Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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