I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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