unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
