Kareoke will never be a sober sport
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
