Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
