I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
