i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
