he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
