saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the condom got lost in my hair
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
