Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
