I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
