I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
