I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
