My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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