I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
