I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
