what day is it and did you see me today?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
