Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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