I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
