I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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