Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
