i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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