I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
