The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
