I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
