Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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