Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
