I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
