I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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