Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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