she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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