does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize