The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
