I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
